Post by The Handy Helper on Jan 29, 2006 15:20:57 GMT -5
Happily Ever After?
The honeymoon has ended and you're settling into married life together back in "the real world." Suddenly you're noticing things you never realized about your mate, like the amount of time he spends watching sports on TV, or the way she won't stop talking for five minutes. Little annoyances are grating on your nerves and sometimes your husband or wife seems more like an inconsiderate roommate than the love of your life.
According to Les and Leslie Parrot in Getting Ready for the Wedding (Zondervan Publishing House, 1998) many couples report that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. The commitment of "till death do we part," so exhilarating at first can sometimes feel suffocating. At times, you might feel disillusioned, disappointed, even angry. You may even begin to worry that you've made a mistake. Sometimes you don't feel much love at all towards your spouse; the relationship seems to have gone flat. You may feel jaded about marriage or wonder if you've fallen out of love.
Know that it is natural to feel this way. You are not alone in having doubts, or feeling disappointed as reality clashes with your expectations. However, after this stage of disillusionment can grow deep commitment to your spouse, based on life in the "real world." The honeymoon, or separation from the world, cannot last forever! The love and passion you experienced and extended towards one another can last when you build on a solid foundation and avoid potholes along the way.
Feelings are Not the Foundation
Remember the vows you made on your wedding day? Most likely you promised to love your husband or wife even in the event of dire circumstances. Traditional vows include words like "sickness and health" and "for richer or poorer" and so on. These vows are based upon trust, commitment, self-sacrifice and honor. Notice that words like "passion," "attraction," and "happiness" are missing from that last sentence.
Love--true love--is not based on feelings.
Love is a commitment to another person. It is an attitude of seeking that person's best no matter what the cost. Sometimes it is an act of the will in the midst of conflicting feelings. Love does not come easily, as you've probably already noticed. Marriage takes a lot of work.
Your feelings will come and go and there will be days when you will not like your spouse. You may feel angry, hurt, disgusted, disappointed, exhausted. Yet you still are called to love your husband or wife as you promised on the day you were married. In all circumstances, in spite of your feelings. This is the secret that happy gray-haired old couples understand, the glue that binds a marriage and guarantees a love that will stand the test of time.
Your Marriage Must Be Protected
In most cases, men and women do not simply decide, "I would really like to have an affair today. Forget the pain it will cause my wife and children, the shame and guilt I will face." Most husbands and wives who admit to having affairs say that they were not looking to cheat on their spouse. The infidelity is not necessarily the problem, but the result of many circumstances over time that culminates in this act of betrayal.
As Gary Smalley describes in his best-seller The Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Lasting Marriage(Zondervan Publishing, 1988) there are behaviors that you and your spouse can consciously commit to in the beginning of your marriage that will protect you from the likelihood of this heartache down the road. Be proactive in protecting your love relationship.
Smalley recommends committing not to highly praise other men or women to your spouse. Statements like "Cindy is so beautiful," or "I am so impressed by Jim's success in his job," can cause your spouse to feel jealous or insecure. Do not invest emotionally in friends of the opposite sex. This is an easy pothole to slip into that will have dangerous results down the road. These friends will be the first people that you turn to if you and your spouse have an argument. You'll be very vulnerable and that friend will be very understanding and sympathetic and…well, everything that your spouse is not at the moment. Seeds will be planted that might later blossom into attraction and infidelity. Avoid friends or family members who talk negatively about your spouse or cause you to focus on negative aspects of your marriage.
You and your spouse are a team. The greatest danger to your unity is a mentality of "me" v. "my spouse." Set goals together for your relationship. Above all, ensure that your spouse knows that they hold a place in your heart that no one else can touch.
Remember (Re-Enact) Falling in Love
The first year of marriage is often a busy time with many transitions. You'll spend a lot of time together involved in daily tasks-- cleaning, showering, cooking, shopping, driving, sleeping. However, how much of that is real quality time? It is important as newlyweds to continue to make time for dates. Do the things you did together when first dating. Continue to make getting away together a priority, perhaps try to schedule to weekends a year (at least) that you can take off together. You will be amazed at the refreshment you will find in sharing time away together.
C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves says that the surest way to feel in love is to act loving towards a person. The emotions are certain to follow our actions. Commit to loving your spouse even when you don't like him/her. Practice humility and forgiveness. Keep short accounts with one another.
During our engagement my husband and I read a great book for newlyweds called The First Years of Forever (Zondervan House, 1988.) I highly recommend this book to any married couple, especially those just starting out in their marriage. One of the suggestions in the book revolutionized our relationship (and it was a small suggestion, not even a major point in the book.)
If you've offended your spouse in some way, author Ed Wheat said not to say "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry" is insufficient -- it can mean any number of things. (Like "I'm sorry I was caught," or "I'm sorry that made you upset but I'm not sorry I did it.") Instead, take responsibility for your action by saying something like, "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"
Such an apology demonstrates your remorse and places the ball in your spouse's court. He/she is faced with their own decision in the situation: to forgive or hold a grudge. It is hard for either of you to feel self-righteous at that point. We've used this principle about a million times in our first year of marriage and it has allowed us to keep short accounts with one another and not hold grudges that accumulate into bitterness.
To Infinity and Beyond!
As the title of the book just mentioned states, these initial years of marriage are your first years of forever together. They can be marked by disappointment, anger, and bitterness or by grace, forgiveness, and forever-love. Building upon the firm foundation of commitment and preventing potholes early on can ensure that the closeness and caring you experienced on your honeymoon will not only last…it will continue to grow as the years go by.
The honeymoon has ended and you're settling into married life together back in "the real world." Suddenly you're noticing things you never realized about your mate, like the amount of time he spends watching sports on TV, or the way she won't stop talking for five minutes. Little annoyances are grating on your nerves and sometimes your husband or wife seems more like an inconsiderate roommate than the love of your life.
According to Les and Leslie Parrot in Getting Ready for the Wedding (Zondervan Publishing House, 1998) many couples report that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. The commitment of "till death do we part," so exhilarating at first can sometimes feel suffocating. At times, you might feel disillusioned, disappointed, even angry. You may even begin to worry that you've made a mistake. Sometimes you don't feel much love at all towards your spouse; the relationship seems to have gone flat. You may feel jaded about marriage or wonder if you've fallen out of love.
Know that it is natural to feel this way. You are not alone in having doubts, or feeling disappointed as reality clashes with your expectations. However, after this stage of disillusionment can grow deep commitment to your spouse, based on life in the "real world." The honeymoon, or separation from the world, cannot last forever! The love and passion you experienced and extended towards one another can last when you build on a solid foundation and avoid potholes along the way.
Feelings are Not the Foundation
Remember the vows you made on your wedding day? Most likely you promised to love your husband or wife even in the event of dire circumstances. Traditional vows include words like "sickness and health" and "for richer or poorer" and so on. These vows are based upon trust, commitment, self-sacrifice and honor. Notice that words like "passion," "attraction," and "happiness" are missing from that last sentence.
Love--true love--is not based on feelings.
Love is a commitment to another person. It is an attitude of seeking that person's best no matter what the cost. Sometimes it is an act of the will in the midst of conflicting feelings. Love does not come easily, as you've probably already noticed. Marriage takes a lot of work.
Your feelings will come and go and there will be days when you will not like your spouse. You may feel angry, hurt, disgusted, disappointed, exhausted. Yet you still are called to love your husband or wife as you promised on the day you were married. In all circumstances, in spite of your feelings. This is the secret that happy gray-haired old couples understand, the glue that binds a marriage and guarantees a love that will stand the test of time.
Your Marriage Must Be Protected
In most cases, men and women do not simply decide, "I would really like to have an affair today. Forget the pain it will cause my wife and children, the shame and guilt I will face." Most husbands and wives who admit to having affairs say that they were not looking to cheat on their spouse. The infidelity is not necessarily the problem, but the result of many circumstances over time that culminates in this act of betrayal.
As Gary Smalley describes in his best-seller The Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Lasting Marriage(Zondervan Publishing, 1988) there are behaviors that you and your spouse can consciously commit to in the beginning of your marriage that will protect you from the likelihood of this heartache down the road. Be proactive in protecting your love relationship.
Smalley recommends committing not to highly praise other men or women to your spouse. Statements like "Cindy is so beautiful," or "I am so impressed by Jim's success in his job," can cause your spouse to feel jealous or insecure. Do not invest emotionally in friends of the opposite sex. This is an easy pothole to slip into that will have dangerous results down the road. These friends will be the first people that you turn to if you and your spouse have an argument. You'll be very vulnerable and that friend will be very understanding and sympathetic and…well, everything that your spouse is not at the moment. Seeds will be planted that might later blossom into attraction and infidelity. Avoid friends or family members who talk negatively about your spouse or cause you to focus on negative aspects of your marriage.
You and your spouse are a team. The greatest danger to your unity is a mentality of "me" v. "my spouse." Set goals together for your relationship. Above all, ensure that your spouse knows that they hold a place in your heart that no one else can touch.
Remember (Re-Enact) Falling in Love
The first year of marriage is often a busy time with many transitions. You'll spend a lot of time together involved in daily tasks-- cleaning, showering, cooking, shopping, driving, sleeping. However, how much of that is real quality time? It is important as newlyweds to continue to make time for dates. Do the things you did together when first dating. Continue to make getting away together a priority, perhaps try to schedule to weekends a year (at least) that you can take off together. You will be amazed at the refreshment you will find in sharing time away together.
C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves says that the surest way to feel in love is to act loving towards a person. The emotions are certain to follow our actions. Commit to loving your spouse even when you don't like him/her. Practice humility and forgiveness. Keep short accounts with one another.
During our engagement my husband and I read a great book for newlyweds called The First Years of Forever (Zondervan House, 1988.) I highly recommend this book to any married couple, especially those just starting out in their marriage. One of the suggestions in the book revolutionized our relationship (and it was a small suggestion, not even a major point in the book.)
If you've offended your spouse in some way, author Ed Wheat said not to say "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry" is insufficient -- it can mean any number of things. (Like "I'm sorry I was caught," or "I'm sorry that made you upset but I'm not sorry I did it.") Instead, take responsibility for your action by saying something like, "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"
Such an apology demonstrates your remorse and places the ball in your spouse's court. He/she is faced with their own decision in the situation: to forgive or hold a grudge. It is hard for either of you to feel self-righteous at that point. We've used this principle about a million times in our first year of marriage and it has allowed us to keep short accounts with one another and not hold grudges that accumulate into bitterness.
To Infinity and Beyond!
As the title of the book just mentioned states, these initial years of marriage are your first years of forever together. They can be marked by disappointment, anger, and bitterness or by grace, forgiveness, and forever-love. Building upon the firm foundation of commitment and preventing potholes early on can ensure that the closeness and caring you experienced on your honeymoon will not only last…it will continue to grow as the years go by.