Post by The Handy Helper on Jan 29, 2006 15:01:34 GMT -5
Helping Your Child Control Anger
By Dr Scoresby
You're hoping for a nice, quiet afternoon. Your toddler finally went down for a nap and your oldest is happily attending first grade. However, you receive a phone call from the school. "So much for happily attending school," you sigh after hearing the news. Your child was just sent in from recess for fighting. Upon picking him up, he explains that he just couldn't help it. He got mad because Johnny said he was ugly. You've taught him that fighting is wrong, but you've also taught him that it is wrong to call other people names or to do things that would make them feel bad. But what if someone does something to make him feel bad? How should he handle his anger?
Answering that question may seem difficult for a parent. Your child is bombarded with messages teaching violence as the way to handle anger, but you want him to be better than that. Fighting is not the way to express displeasure. When teaching him how to handle anger, it is vital that you don't unconsciously teach him that anger is wrong. Your child must learn that all of his feelings are normal, acceptable, and universally experienced. Even anger. He may think that because he is angry, he is a bad person. Feeling a certain way does not make him good or bad. The only thing that will make your child's emotions good or bad is the way they are handled.
Children Expressing Anger
Anger is the most difficult emotion to handle, especially for young children. Your child is just beginning to understand and label the way she is feeling inside. According to Stanley Greenspan, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Behavioural Sciences, and Paediatrics at the George Washington University Medical School, children express anger when they are frustrated with something or get their feelings hurt by another. He also states that children cannot distinguish feelings from actions, so when they are upset, they bite, hit, kick, or scream. In order for your child to calm down, you must express empathy, warmth, and support. As your child grows, asserts Greenspan, she will begin to link cause and effect to his emotions. She may still want to hit and kick when you won't let her have a cookie before dinner, but she also knows that if she follows through with these feelings, she will not be allowed to watch T.V. So, instead, she uses her verbal skills to cry out, "I hate you!" As she gets even older, she begins to see the world in a three- person context. If she is angry at Dad, she will try to make Mom mad at Dad, too. As a parent, you want your child to be comfortable with what she is feeling, and also to express those feelings properly. Anger is not acceptable when it is expressed violently. Therefore, you must teach your child how to express such an intense emotion in a more acceptable manner. This can be done by teaching your child how to maintain control of her feelings.
Strategies to Control Anger
Anger is potentially constructive because it can give us energy to solve our problems and to satisfy our needs. There is a distinction, however, between satisfying needs and socially inappropriate destructive expressions of anger. Just because your child "needs" the blue crayon does not allow him to hit the classmate that will not return it to the box. As a parent, you are responsible to teach your child that while it is OK to be mad, it is definitely not OK to be mean. The following suggestions from Pat Huggins, clinical instructor in the Graduate School of Counselling at the University of Washington, will help you help your child control his anger:
1. THE TURTLE TRICK. When your child is upset, have her do the turtle trick. (It is best to practice this at a time when she is not angry.) Have your child think of a time or give examples of situations when she was mad. Let her remember how those emotions felt. Explain to her that rather than hitting or calling someone names, she may pretend like she is a turtle. When a turtle gets scared or mad, he goes inside his shell where it is safe. The shell gives the turtle a chance to calm down because it is protecting him from others. If she goes into her "shell" it will protect her because she won't get into trouble for hitting a playmate. This is generally effective with young elementary children who enjoy "pretend" playing although it may take awhile for them to become proficient.
2. TALK TO YOURSELF. This can be a second step to the turtle trick or it can be used alone. When your child is mad, have him talk to himself. Have him say, out loud, "Take a deep breath and relax." Then have him say it quietly to himself. Practice other sentences such as, "I can control my temper," or "I'll think of a way to solve this problem." Link them all together and have your child repeat them over in his head. Sometimes, just telling yourself you are calm will help you become that way.
3. USE YOUR POCKETS. Explain to your child that it is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to hit or break things. When she is angry, have her put her hands in her pockets or hold them behind her back. This will help control the urge to hit. While her hands are in her pockets, have her tell the person how she is feeling and why. This also encourages effective communication skills.
4. SAY IT NICELY. When you are angry, it is difficult to be polite. Practice with your child on ways to say you are mad that do not hurt others. Some examples include, "That bothers me," "Stop bugging me," "I don't like that," "That makes me angry," and "Leave me alone." Notice that all of these statements avoid starting with "you." When you say "You are bugging me," it only makes the person defensive and they will annoy you more.
5. WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS. Buy your child a diary where he can write down his feelings. Or, have him write a letter to the person that made him upset. Pretend that he is going to give this note to that person. Tell that person exactly how she made him feel and why he is feeling that way. If your child can't write, have him dictate a letter to you. Keep the note for awhile, and when your child is no longer angry, have him tear up the letter and throw it away.
Finally, observe the way you express your anger. Example is always the best teacher. If your child observes you shouting at people, slamming things, or hitting others when you are mad, she will learn to express her anger the same way. Communicating with those who have offended you and choosing a more appropriate tactic will help your child learn that being mad doesn't have to result in hurtful behaviours. By regulating your emotions, you will help your child regulate hers.
By Dr Scoresby
You're hoping for a nice, quiet afternoon. Your toddler finally went down for a nap and your oldest is happily attending first grade. However, you receive a phone call from the school. "So much for happily attending school," you sigh after hearing the news. Your child was just sent in from recess for fighting. Upon picking him up, he explains that he just couldn't help it. He got mad because Johnny said he was ugly. You've taught him that fighting is wrong, but you've also taught him that it is wrong to call other people names or to do things that would make them feel bad. But what if someone does something to make him feel bad? How should he handle his anger?
Answering that question may seem difficult for a parent. Your child is bombarded with messages teaching violence as the way to handle anger, but you want him to be better than that. Fighting is not the way to express displeasure. When teaching him how to handle anger, it is vital that you don't unconsciously teach him that anger is wrong. Your child must learn that all of his feelings are normal, acceptable, and universally experienced. Even anger. He may think that because he is angry, he is a bad person. Feeling a certain way does not make him good or bad. The only thing that will make your child's emotions good or bad is the way they are handled.
Children Expressing Anger
Anger is the most difficult emotion to handle, especially for young children. Your child is just beginning to understand and label the way she is feeling inside. According to Stanley Greenspan, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Behavioural Sciences, and Paediatrics at the George Washington University Medical School, children express anger when they are frustrated with something or get their feelings hurt by another. He also states that children cannot distinguish feelings from actions, so when they are upset, they bite, hit, kick, or scream. In order for your child to calm down, you must express empathy, warmth, and support. As your child grows, asserts Greenspan, she will begin to link cause and effect to his emotions. She may still want to hit and kick when you won't let her have a cookie before dinner, but she also knows that if she follows through with these feelings, she will not be allowed to watch T.V. So, instead, she uses her verbal skills to cry out, "I hate you!" As she gets even older, she begins to see the world in a three- person context. If she is angry at Dad, she will try to make Mom mad at Dad, too. As a parent, you want your child to be comfortable with what she is feeling, and also to express those feelings properly. Anger is not acceptable when it is expressed violently. Therefore, you must teach your child how to express such an intense emotion in a more acceptable manner. This can be done by teaching your child how to maintain control of her feelings.
Strategies to Control Anger
Anger is potentially constructive because it can give us energy to solve our problems and to satisfy our needs. There is a distinction, however, between satisfying needs and socially inappropriate destructive expressions of anger. Just because your child "needs" the blue crayon does not allow him to hit the classmate that will not return it to the box. As a parent, you are responsible to teach your child that while it is OK to be mad, it is definitely not OK to be mean. The following suggestions from Pat Huggins, clinical instructor in the Graduate School of Counselling at the University of Washington, will help you help your child control his anger:
1. THE TURTLE TRICK. When your child is upset, have her do the turtle trick. (It is best to practice this at a time when she is not angry.) Have your child think of a time or give examples of situations when she was mad. Let her remember how those emotions felt. Explain to her that rather than hitting or calling someone names, she may pretend like she is a turtle. When a turtle gets scared or mad, he goes inside his shell where it is safe. The shell gives the turtle a chance to calm down because it is protecting him from others. If she goes into her "shell" it will protect her because she won't get into trouble for hitting a playmate. This is generally effective with young elementary children who enjoy "pretend" playing although it may take awhile for them to become proficient.
2. TALK TO YOURSELF. This can be a second step to the turtle trick or it can be used alone. When your child is mad, have him talk to himself. Have him say, out loud, "Take a deep breath and relax." Then have him say it quietly to himself. Practice other sentences such as, "I can control my temper," or "I'll think of a way to solve this problem." Link them all together and have your child repeat them over in his head. Sometimes, just telling yourself you are calm will help you become that way.
3. USE YOUR POCKETS. Explain to your child that it is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to hit or break things. When she is angry, have her put her hands in her pockets or hold them behind her back. This will help control the urge to hit. While her hands are in her pockets, have her tell the person how she is feeling and why. This also encourages effective communication skills.
4. SAY IT NICELY. When you are angry, it is difficult to be polite. Practice with your child on ways to say you are mad that do not hurt others. Some examples include, "That bothers me," "Stop bugging me," "I don't like that," "That makes me angry," and "Leave me alone." Notice that all of these statements avoid starting with "you." When you say "You are bugging me," it only makes the person defensive and they will annoy you more.
5. WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS. Buy your child a diary where he can write down his feelings. Or, have him write a letter to the person that made him upset. Pretend that he is going to give this note to that person. Tell that person exactly how she made him feel and why he is feeling that way. If your child can't write, have him dictate a letter to you. Keep the note for awhile, and when your child is no longer angry, have him tear up the letter and throw it away.
Finally, observe the way you express your anger. Example is always the best teacher. If your child observes you shouting at people, slamming things, or hitting others when you are mad, she will learn to express her anger the same way. Communicating with those who have offended you and choosing a more appropriate tactic will help your child learn that being mad doesn't have to result in hurtful behaviours. By regulating your emotions, you will help your child regulate hers.